Not Always So Obvious

Ok..does this thought ever cross your mind?

"I would think it'd be obvious."

And, if I'm going to sit like a lump on a log and wait for someone to figure out how to be sensitive and compassionate and ask me, by god, I'm going to be sitting a long time not getting help.

Must I ask EVERY single morning..."Could you please help get me something to eat for breakfast?"

I don't know...I'd think if I was sitting in the kitchen at breakfast time with crutches in hand, twiddling my thumbs, that another coming into the kitchen might ask if I'd had breakfast yet and would like help. I haven't been able to get my own breakfast since having foot/ankle surgery last friday. I'm non-weight-bearing (crutches or wheel chair) for six weeks!

So...if you came into the kitchen and saw me sitting there (and it's the scheduled time for breakfast and I'm not eating anything), would you go about fixing yourself a bowl of cereal then sit down and begin eating, completely ignoring me, not saying a word? Or would you perhaps think to ask as you're pulling your cereal bowl out of the cabinet if I might want some as well?

Stubborn ass that I am at times...ok, too many times...I sat there to wait and see what would happen, and refused to ask for help.

"I am not going to ask. I shouldn't have to ask! I'd think it'd be obvious, unless you're so self-centered you think of nobody else but yourself and YOUR needs."

But she can't read my mind. And maybe she thinks I've already had breakfast or am not hungry. And even though if the roles were reversed I'd have the wherewithall to ask 'have you had breakfast yet,' that doesn't mean she has that skill.

My friend said I've been using situations like this to justify old tapes that I don't deserve to be taken care of when I need help (the message my mother clearly gave me, in ways I won't go into here).

My friend is wise. What a HUGE insight!

And, then, I'm also frustrated. I don't like having to be dependent on others, for the very reason that they may find helping me a burden, an inconvenience, irritating, an interruption in their life. It is so hard for me to ask for what I need. My mother trained me well not to ask.

My sisters are being lovingly patient as I go through this recovery process, both physically and emotionally.

Ugh...the next five weeks are sure to be agonizing growth opportunities. And I simply need to lighten up a bit on myself and others, and keep humor close at hand to see me through it. If you know a good joke, send it to me.